Self-reliance
picture by DoubleM2
Hubby is away. Has been away for over a week and we have another few days to go. We’ve been doing this merry-go-round for ten years now and even though it is getting easier as the kids grow up, and as the communication technology gets better, the period of separation still has its inevitable pitfalls.
Actually, this would be one of the first times we haven’t had some minor disaster or technological breakdown of one sort or another. We’re just coming out the other side of a tummy bug that I have so far managed to evade. In one 24 hour period, three kids went down with it. I was expecting it because Master Almost-Seven had it last Friday. I had thought we’d got off lightly.
But I’m not here to talk about the negatives - much as I’d like to indulge myself a good long whinge about life and it’s spewy wash piles.
No, I’d rather point out that there’s an up side to every down. This work-related travel, disruptive though it is, augments my personal growth. When hubby is home I can be lazy because he’s always been good at helping out around the house. But when he’s away, everything falls to me. Well, not everything. I let the mail collect at the front door, and I don’t bother to mow the yard. But I keep up with the essentials and all the commitments, and I like it. To be honest, I feel a great sense of self-reliance during hubby’s away-time.
I shop and stockpile so we can be as self-sufficient as possible. We drop a few extra-curricular activities so the schedule isn’t too full and plan as little as possible for the weekends. When I cook, it’s a double batch, so we have a meal for the freezer, we eat simply but still allow ourselves the odd take away meal.
And despite the spew-a-thon, I’m caught up on the laundry, I got the bins out last night (this week I snuck out two recycle bins, which I’ve never done before but since we missed last time, it seemed justifiable) and I haven’t let the disorder get too out of hand.
I realise that I don’t need a full social life or a lot of outside input to keep things ticking smoothly. I can do this, all by myself. So this alone time (with the kids) is something to be grateful for, too. Doesn’t mean I won’t be happy to see dear husband walk through the door on Friday.
June 9th, 2010 - Posted in personal growth, gratitude, happiness, partnership, parenthood, self-care | | 2 Comments
On Gratitude
picture by Dean Ayers
What am I complaining about creative U-turns for? I live a most privileged life, with a robustly healthy family, a loving, attentive husband and a luxurious home. We recently had a holiday in Japan. Who am I kidding when I whinge about how hard my life is?
I used to keep a gratitude journal. I don’t know why I no longer do. This blog was intended to be an extension of that gratitude journal but somewhere along the way I seem to have lost the gratitude mindset I keep preaching about. And I have so much to be thankful for.
For instance, I go to uni, and take music lessons, just because I can. I don’t have to worry about things like child care because I don’t have to leave the home to generate an income for my family. I have a wide network of friends with varied interests, from co-operative buying, to music, writing and parenting. We have an abundance of food in the pantry, and a garden with the potential to feed us very well–if we could only get it more co-ordinated. We have good neighbours, and a nice community school for the kids. We have family who live locally, in fact we live with extended family and it is working out really well. Abundance has well and truly found us and seems to like us so much it’s gonna stick around.
In fact, life really is quite perfect. I have no personal dramas, no petty distractions, nothing to complain about. I’m not being facetious and I’m not being a brag. I just think it’s important to acknowledge the good things, no matter how small, and keep the complaints in check. I promise, there’ll be a lot more gratitude in my posts from now on.
Be content with what you have;
rejoice in the way things are.
When you realize there is nothing lacking,
the whole world belongs to you.
~Lao Tzu
May 15th, 2010 - Posted in gratitude, happiness, consumerism, health | | 4 Comments
Sync-y Sex
picture by thegrocer*
Yes, I know how stupid the title sounds. No, it’s not a typo. It’s meant to be sync-y, not kinky. Here, let me explain….
It’s probably rather voyeuristic of me, but I recently discovered a network of married men blogging about married/monogamous sex (or the lack thereof). I am always amazed, and a little bit appalled, by the male point of view on sex; about the necessary frequency and variety of it, and about their desperation during the droughts in between.
Sexuality is a major aspect of being human. It would be remiss of me to blog about humanist personal growth and never talk about sex. I’m just waiting for the day the principal of my kids’ school discovers this blog and reads this entry - it’s bound to happen. But hey, we’re all human, and at least it’s not a religious school (’cos y’all will know where I stand on that issue).
I hope my dear hubby will forgive me for blogging on this subject but, like all couples, we’ve had our ups and downs in the intimacy department. We’ve even sought counselling at times. He’s a very wise and patient man, my husband, and I’m not going to embarrass him by sharing details of the history of our sexual relationship. I mean, really, there will never be a marriage that doesn’t encounter periods of mis-matched libido, changing tastes in the sensual, or extended spells of sheer physical and emotional exhaustion. Hands up if you have kids. Even if you don’t, most people have a day job to suck all the vitality out of them.
I don’t subscribe to the idea that the frequency with which other couples are doing it has any reflection on the health of my own relationship. It’s simply not on my radar. A: who cares what other people do in the privacy of their bedrooms or living rooms, or cars, or whatever? (… well, maybe I am just a little curious, but please, no pictures!) And B: I find the practice of keeping a log on such events a major, MAJOR, turn off.
Surely keeping the physical spark in a monogamous relationship is about empathy? It’s about understanding where your partner is at; about acknowledging where you’re at yourself; and then addressing the space in between?
Which, for a heterosexual man, to be more direct about it, means keeping track of his woman’s menstrual cycle, and going with the flow of her sexual receptivity during the first two weeks of her cycle, and then easing off and giving her room to breathe for the rest of the month. Really guys, let go of this twice-a-week or every-second-day attitude and trust that she’ll initiate it if she really wants it. There is nothing new about this concept. It is the wisdom of ages. But for those of whom this is new information, here’s a neat little article that explains it in its simplest terms (so the blokes can understand).
There is, of course, a biological purpose to the fluctuating desire woman experience during their menstrual cycle, which is, of course, to guarantee the survival of the human race, which does, of course, require … you guessed it - sexual intercourse. Husbands and partners can choose to work with the menstrual cycle, or be foolish, and probably damned frustrated, to work against it.
My dear husband has gone the technological route and downloaded an app for his Blackberry that keeps track of my menstrual cycle and guides him in demonstrating his love and desire for me. At first, I was leery, even offended, that some slip of a software program could possibly enhance our love life. But since I don’t chart my cycles on a calendar, and since I don’t have any visible code that communicates where my cycle is at, what choice did the poor man have? Now I see the value in this slip of a software program telling him where I’m at, physically and emotionally, and I blush to share that we’re in better sync than we’ve ever been.
March 25th, 2010 - Posted in happiness, partnership, play, beliefs, love, wisdom, health, self-care | | 4 Comments
Cold turkey
picture by m.a.r.c.
Coffee, sugar and alcohol would have to be my three main vices. Consistent over-consumption of all three lead to the sudden onset of a bacterial infection this week, which has seen me clean up my diet and lifestyle as a matter of necessity. It has been four days without all three and at last the aches and pains and constant dull headache from my detox are beginning to subside.
The UTI that I have to thank for this lifestyle overhaul has persisted, despite my attempt to beat it naturally with cranberry preparations, golden seal capsules, pearl barley tea and litres and litres of water. The combination has worked for me in times past but not this time. Feeling weary and feverish, I made a visit to the doctor for antibiotics. Oh no! The dreaded antibiotics! For shame, I have failed in my quest to beat the bug.
Leaving the doctor’s with script in hand, I bypassed the pharmacy, telling myself I’d give it another 24 hours to see if I could beat it naturally but I soon came to regret that decision. Long story short, I sent darling hubby out to procure the drugs and upon his return I couldn’t get those suckers into me fast enough. I still feel like crap, but at least I know I’ll get better soon.
The upside of this health challenge is that I have managed to put a bit of distance between myself and my addictions. At this point in time, I feel very committed to keeping my three enemies off the menu for a good while yet. Easy to say while I still feel the uncomfortable symptoms of a UTI, but by putting my diet in the spotlight, maybe, just maybe, I can redeem my inner-addict and keep my enemies at bay.
March 13th, 2010 - Posted in personal growth, happiness, consumerism, health, self-care | | 7 Comments
The power of Thank You
picture by T. A. Joseph
Doesn’t matter whether we personally need to be thanked for things we do, we still appreciate it. Even if the typical answer is, “no problem” or, “you’re welcome” that tiny acknowledgement has the power to save relationships. I have learned the hard way.
I used to convene a community group. The volunteers were all women, new mothers with very young children and babies, often with another on the way. Of course, that described me too, and I suppose, blinkered by leadership, I thought we were all motivated by the same things. Our little group was so damned productive, really we did great things together, so I figured we all obtained some kind of satisfaction inherent to the task itself and none of us ever yearned for that pat on the back, that “well done” or “thank you” that lubricates the engines of a small group of people working in synergy.
Inevitably, there lay my downfall and probably the most significant lesson in my life to date. People thrive on positive words, gratitude and warm feelings. Our little network of very busy, sleep deprived, yet highly motivated new mothers gave and gave and gave of themselves. But rarely did I think to acknowledge their contributions and achievements. Over time we all moved on, most of us feeling quite spent by the experience. Thanks to Facebook, most of us can keep in touch, but I feel a strange emptiness, that what was, is no more, and I do wish I had taken more time to thank everyone for their hard work and friendship. It really was a pivotal time in my life. Hopefully for others too. It is nice to see the community group still thriving since my own sisterhood stopped having babies and moved onto the next stage of life. I do miss them sometimes.
Now I’m more proactive about acknowledging the initiative of others, including my husband and children. I realise it doesn’t matter whether someone is expecting to be thanked or not. If they are, I can fulfill their expectations. If they’re not, I can pleasantly surprise them with those little words that cost me nothing, but seem so generous.
And in more general terms, I can use the energy I generate with those thank you’s to cultivate a gratitude mindset that touches every aspect of my life. For several years I kept a gratitude journal - something that seemed frivolous and self-indulgent when I started it (about the time I was involved with the above community group) but that ever so gradually improved my outlook on life, love and family and gave me access to a mental state, a flow, that was so healthy and life-affirming.
I want to write more on gratitude later. But for now I just want to put out there a big THANK YOU to those women (and their families) whom I probably never fully thanked for their contribution to the community group way back when. And THANK YOU to those of you who read this blog, even if you don’t offer comment. I hope there is something here for you.
February 14th, 2010 - Posted in personal growth, gratitude, happiness, ritual, beliefs, wisdom | | 4 Comments
