Domestic Haiku #2

laundry basket
barometer for
my domestic chaos

August 25th, 2008 - Posted in haiku | | 0 Comments

Battleground: Sleep

picture by sara.atkins

It’s probably the biggest dilemma we all face in the early years of parenting. How do I make my baby/toddler sleep? Tricks, tips and techniques abound. Sleep schools base their business on it. Books are published about it. Websites guide us. Ask on any online forum and you’ll receive lots of how-to advice. And we are suckered into believing what they say because we’re tired and somewhat desperate to achieve that elusive Good Night’s Sleep.

Rarely do we ask, How do I learn to cope better with my baby’s/toddler’s sleep? and yet this is the essence of succeeding at the sleep game. Sleep is a natural cycle determined by the ebb and flow of hormones in our brains and bodies. We can no more make our children sleep than we can make them feel hunger or thirst on cue. So how can it be that we’ll allow our children to cry themselves to sleep according to a schedule imposed by an exterior authority? Sleep, we are told, is all about control - yours vs theirs. But there is a better way.

My kids have all gone through different stages with their sleep. We’ve never closed the door or otherwise stopped them from leaving their bed/room. But we did sometimes let our son sleep (pillow and blanket) in the hallway, because even though we knew he was tired and ready for bed, we didn’t want to fight him about where bed actually should be! We’d been there done that before.

If our kids sense that we’re in a rush to get them off to sleep so we can go do our own thing, or if they can hear activity in another room, say the TV or whatever, there is less incentive to go to bed. They’re worried they might miss out on some of the action!

Over the years, our night times have flowed best when we either went to bed with our kids, stayed with them in the dark until they were asleep, or did comfort rituals like guided meditations, storytelling or song singing. Yes, it takes longer, but when I’m in the right frame of mind it is immensely relaxing and comforting for all of us to go through the motions together. In the early years I wished there were two of me to stand in two rooms simultaneously, often with a baby in my arms. It helps that now all the children share one big bedroom so that I can roam from bed to bed, or sit by the door and read or talk or sing. Bedtime is our time and I cherish the relaxed connection we create as the children wind down from their day. Now and then someone will not want to sleep alone and ask to sleep with mum and dad, and that’s fine too. Co-sleeping is the ultimate in convenience for night time parenting. And truthfully, few adults choose to sleep alone. Why do we expect it of babies and small children?

Because we usually saw our kids off to sleep I discovered that now and then I could ask for a night off. “Mummy had a big day today and I feel too tired for storytelling so do you mind quietly doing ABC until I come back and turn the light off?” We gradually got to a stage of getting more regular ‘nights off’ and them doing quiet activities and winding down to sleep.

Miss 6 and Master 8 were both tragic sleepers as babies and they still have trouble settling to sleep sometimes. They like me to stay with them, or check on them often. Master 5 sleeps as soon as his head hits the pillow. Miss 2 stays up with us a bit later, particularly if she’s had a nap during the day. We watch rather subdued TV shows, so she’s rarely stimulated to stay awake at those times. She falls asleep in arms, or lying with me on the couch in front of the box and we move her to her bed, or ours, when we go to bed ourselves.

There are many different patterns we can employ at bedtime and they all have their pros and cons. I’ve done the bedtime power struggle but prefer the soothing tones of our current bedtime ritual. If you’re in a sleep battleground please take a moment to see yourself and the night time routine through your child’s eyes. Take it slow. Don’t rush the moment.

Then tell me, how would you like to go to bed?

August 23rd, 2008 - Posted in childhood, parenthood, ritual, wisdom | | 5 Comments