Are you looking after yourself?

picture by madhava
How I dread the polite enquiry, “So how are you?”

It’s just a formality of course, a greeting we use everyday, several times a day, but there was a time late last year when life had reached a point of overwhelming emotions and personal and professional over-commitment when I could not feign a polite, “I’m fine thank you.” I had two children in school, one in preschool and one at home and my husband’s mother, who lives with us, was experiencing a rapid decline in mental health. At the same time I had committed to a personal project, a huge garden needing regular maintenance, two puppies who needed feeding and training and my ongoing advocacy work had become a millstone around my neck.

That simple greeting sometimes triggered an avalanche of confusing emotions and several times I answered with honesty, “Well, actually, I’m struggling and things aren’t so great. How about you?” Recipient responses ranged from genuine sympathy to an embarrassed pretense that they hadn’t heard me right. It wasn’t that I needed them to acknowledge my position. I actually didn’t want to make a big deal of it at all. But I had reached a point where I could no longer pretend that everything was hunky-dory and I needed to admit, to myself most of all, that something had to give sooner or later.

As parents and carers we bear a lot of weight on our shoulders. We give and give and give until there is nothing in reserve. I was losing weight (and not in a good way), drinking too much coffee and alcohol, not getting enough sleep. I was eking out personal time at night after everyone else had gone to bed, or shutting the door and escaping to the privacy of my bedroom and letting the house go to hell. In my social and professional world it was business as usual. Internally however, it was another story.

I’m sure people could see a difference in me. Only a few ever mentioned my down-cast eyes or my unwillingness to engage in conversations. Fewer still cared enough to come right out and ask, “Are you OK? Are you looking after yourself?” And I had to admit that I wasn’t. But I didn’t feel able to reduce my commitments at that time and I soldiered on regardless, even volunteered myself for more work when I knew I was already running on empty.

What is it about saying NO and putting oneself first that makes us feel we aren’t loving and responsible individuals? Why do we struggle with allowing ourselves the pleasures in life and giving ourselves the time to engage in the things that we need to do to feel whole and unique and important? It’s not like I had no intention of looking after myself but I argued that I couldn’t do it today and tomorrow (next week, next month, next year) would have to do.

And yet, the only moment we have is NOW. What am I doing drawing my energy from an emotional overdraft? Keep doing that and I’m sure to spiral into emotional bankruptcy. So, since I can’t change my current situation, nor do I want to, I have decided that this is my year to slow down and nurture myself more. I’m gonna indulge my inner artist and feed my inner gourmet. I’m gonna build up my reserves so that there is enough of me to share and spare. Which hopefully also means more entries about HERevolution because I can feel a good kind of change lies ahead for me. Stay tuned on that theme….

So how about you, are you looking after yourself?

February 26th, 2009 - Posted in personal growth, happiness, partnership, parenthood, wisdom, self-care | | 6 Comments

Domestic Haiku # 6

behind sunglasses
the mother says goodbye
first day of school

February 3rd, 2009 - Posted in haiku | | 0 Comments