The dying of the light

  picture by luzbonita

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

             Dylan Thomas

We are a family of six, but we live as an extended family unit with my husband’s mother and brother as well.  We always planned to live this way and we built this house to accommodate multiple occupancy and our intention that my mother-in-law, the children’s grandmother, would be safe and secure with us in her old age.

Thanks to a long smoking history, in a very short time she has become frail-aged.  Dementia is, every day, nibbling away at her capacity to care for herself.  We have become her family of carers.

We prepared ourselves for this eventuality but it can still be confronting to watch helplessly as a once proud and intelligent woman becomes, every day, that little bit more incapacitated, needy and child-like.  Things are now at the stage where legal power of attorney, medical attorney, aged-care entitlements and in-home care are being formalised.  We must ensure she is fed, clothed, toileted and doped on her pills.  We are responsible for everything from washing her smalls to the length of her toenails.  There are times when I cannot be available to my own children because their grandmother needs me more.  Sometimes I feel stuck in a tug-of-war.  We are fortunate that we can share the caring load between three families or her condition would surely be a burden. My supreme respect and admiration goes to those carers who work alone, without consultation, guidance or respite, and often for someone who is not a blood relative.

Being a responsive, compassionate carer is about the hardest job there is.

In a modern world where we hide aging, illness and death from society our family situation regularly gives me pause for thought.  I have cleared my schedule this year in order to be more available to my mother-in-law.  We have had uncomfortable conversations with our children about aging, death and dying.  Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would one day be present for my mother-in-law’s rapid health decline.   Her stubborn presence up-ends, yet enriches, our lives in a way rather similar to the arrival of a new baby, only in reverse.

And it strikes me that this experience is a gift.  I am slowly coming to terms with my mother-in-law’s mortality, and at the same time, confronting my own.   I am learning to look after someone and also learning to better look after myself.  I am learning that yesterday has no impact on the reality of today and neither does planning tomorrow.  We live in the NOW because that is the only moment we can truly participate in.

And just like waiting for the birth of a baby, waiting for the dying of the light can be an act of love.   If I choose to see it so.

March 26th, 2009 - Posted in personal growth, gratitude, grandparents, community, duty of care, grief, love, wisdom, health | | 7 Comments

Some people believe ….

  picture by jmurawski

We have four children, the oldest is nine and the youngest is three.  We struggle with the religious traditions of Christmas and Easter, since they have spiritual/esoteric origins (not necessarily Christian ones, as you probably know).

It might seem incongruous for atheists to celebrate these holidays.  I have known Jehovahs Witnesses who deny all religious celebrations, except for Easter, but I really don’t want to deny my children the predominant festivals of their culture.  I don’t think our choice to deny religion should make our kids stand out from their peers.

So we dress the tree and give Christmas presents just like everyone else.  We make Easter chocolates and do an egg-hunt too - because it’s fun and it brings us together as a family.  We treat these festivities as lessons about history, tradition and culture and tell the stories behind them with the qualifying statement, “Some people believe…”  And I think that’s OK.  We also use the stories and fables of other religious traditions, including those of our animist indigenous Australians.  I think there is learning value in them all.  I never want dogma to become acceptable in our lives and, by modelling tolerance to our kids, they will be better armed to gracefully receive and deflect those god bless yous and other religious references as they grow and learn.

March 25th, 2009 - Posted in parenthood, play, community, ritual, beliefs | | 2 Comments

Domestic Haiku #9

extra blankets

on our bed

while you’re away

March 20th, 2009 - Posted in haiku | | 0 Comments

All the wrong buttons

picture by Mark and Allegra

There comes a time when any wise couple, or individual, realises that an issue is too big for them to deal with all by themselves. I say ‘wise’ because of course, I include myself and my husband in this category of people who have sought outside help when the going got tough.  I know how difficult it can be to take that first step.
I haven’t read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus or any of its contemporaries, though I’m sure they have their place.  I like to think we don’t stereotype each other and that we can make room for each others’ differences for the sake of the relationship but when it all boils down to its essence, men and women are fundamentally different.  We have different motivations, different goals and we speak different emotional languages.  Let’s face it, sometimes it takes a neutral translator to help us understand each other.  You wouldn’t travel to a foreign country without at least packing a phrasebook yet how many of us enter into a marriage or partnership without learning to bridge the communication gap?

All kinds of pride, grief and denial bubbled up as we came to the realisation that we weren’t moving forward together anymore.  Yet our love is still strong, our history so long, neither of us was willing to let go of the other. So we sought counselling.  The hardest part was just picking up the phone and making the appointment.  The rest took care of itself.  If you’re in a conflict over your relationship, I highly recommend taking action to explore what services are available to you.
And, as luck and sychronicity would have it, the day I go to write this blog I receive one of those anonymous, inspirational, forward-mail type messages in my email (thank you Shaun).  It goes like this:

I Believe…
That just because two people argue, It doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, It doesn’t mean they do love each other.

I Believe…
That we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I Believe…
That no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe…
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I Believe…
That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I Believe…
That it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I Believe…
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe…
That you can keep going long after you think you can’t.

I Believe…
That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe…
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe…
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences…

I Believe…
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I Believe…
That my best friend and I can do anything, or nothing and have the best time.

I Believe…
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe…

That sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe…
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.

I Believe…
That it isn’t always enough, to be forgiven by others. Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I Believe…
That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I Believe…
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe…
That you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I Believe…
Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I Believe…
That your life can be changed in a matter of hours, by people who don’t even know you.

I Believe…
That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out, you will find the strength to help.

I Believe…
That credentials on the wall, do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe…
That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I Believe…
The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything.

March 19th, 2009 - Posted in personal growth, happiness, partnership, love, wisdom | | 4 Comments

What price a home birth?

picture by bbaltimore
It has never been my intention to be overtly political in this blog, since HERevolution was primarily developed to log my own journey of personal growth.  But the truth of the matter is, birthing my babies sent me on a journey of growth beyond all my expectations.

When our first baby was born in the Royal Brisbane and Women’s Hospital birth centre in 2000 I felt I had performed some amazing miracle of life.  And in an everyday way, I had.  Our two subsequent babies were born there, and then our fourth baby, it was easy to decide, was born at home with an independent midwife.  Had each birth not been the positive experience it was, I doubt I would have enjoyed such a shortcut to healing and wholeness as I have enjoyed since becoming a mother.  Who can ever know for sure?  Had things been markedly different, I might still be enjoying this aura of mental health and wellbeing, but I’m quite certain there would have been a great many diversions along the way.  No, I am absolutely certain that a great birth was the catalyst for this wonderful journey that I’m on.  And a great birth is the platform upon which a mother builds her new mothering role.  Nomatter how a baby enters this world, or who attends the woman in childbirth, anything less than a dignified, empowered and private experience is an insult to motherhood.

Pregnancy and birth, like it or not, is a rite of passage for every woman who experiences it.  Not only that, it is a highly intimate, personal, some might extend the notion to include sexual, experience.  The personal is unavoidably political.  The topic of childbirth arouses passion in everyone who has first hand experience of it, as a mother, father or care-provider.

I certainly don’t believe that birth at home is the only way to achieve an empowering, gentle, loving welcome for our babies.  I’ve been an advocate for birth centres for more than seven years now and I have certainly heard many positive stories of hospital births, though I’ve heard equal share of unpleasant and downright traumatic stories too.  What is it about women choosing home birth that arouses suspicion in the AMA and RANZCOG to the point that they vehemently oppose publicly funding home birth via our hospital systems?

The recently released National Maternity Services Review  proposes that by 2010 any independent midwife without professional indemnity insurance will be unable to obtain national registration.  This effectively renders their services illegal.  The case is presented eloquently by Alison Leeman here so I won’t reiterate her argument but I do ask, why build barriers when it is so much easier to open collaborative doors?

The Australian College of Midwives has been lobbying the Federal government for Medicare provider numbers and insurance for independent midwives since the insurance collapse of 2002.  The government subsidised the establishment of indemnity insurance for GPs and obstetricians, so why not offer the same opportunity to midwives too?  Even if some of the costs must be passed on to the consumer, rendering homebirth more expensive than the competitive $4000 or so that it is currently, at least registered and accredited midwives would be able to attend women in their first choice maternity care.  (Take note Medibank Private and other health insurers, home birth should be eligible for rebate!)  Allowing insurance to become inaccessible to independent operators effectively removes a valid childbirth choice from the menu, and worse still, drives it to the un-regulated underground where it is less safe for mothers and babies.

What price a home birth with a registered independent midwife?  What price a home birth with no midwife at all?

March 3rd, 2009 - Posted in personal growth, gratitude, parenthood, sustainability, health | | 0 Comments