Domestic Haiku #14

looking my age
but with a smile
and a better haircut

May 31st, 2009 - Posted in haiku | | 2 Comments

Introducing Shereen R

picture by yewenyi

On Loss

It was time. This was actually happening. I had known it was coming, but was not prepared, not ready. I wanted to stop it, turn back the clock, do something, but it was out of my hands. It seems that sometimes you have to just give yourself over to the moment, ride the wave, feel the trepidation, relinquish control.

With a few more laboured breaths the light left her eyes and she was gone. Looking down at her now empty shell I could feel my heart beating fast, and I knew that hers was now still. I waited for the wall of grief to hit me, to feel the tears come, but I felt nothing. Numb. I had just witnessed the conclusion of a life, as natural as birth, breath, love, pain…. shouldn’t I feel something?

I was surprised to notice that the ravages of disease had disappeared from her face. She looked so relaxed, so calm, and I was reminded that she was beautiful. Without that veil of pain she once again looked like my mum, and I was able to remember who she was before tests, bloods, sickness and waiting ruled our every day. I was relieved it was over, and that she had finally moved on.

I realised that I was holding her limp hand, and I could still feel her warmth, and it crossed my mind that maybe I could call her, shake her, and she would come back. But in my heart I knew that it was over and a new phase of my life had begun.

As I let go of her hand I felt the severing of that final link, like the cutting of an umbilical cord. I could now understand why babies cry when removed from a mother’s womb, in pure grief for that physical connection that is uniquely maternal. Now for me the emotional connection was severed too.

I knew that once I walk away, turn my back, leave the room, I will need to acknowledge that it is time to commence a life without my mum, but for now I want to stay, as though I can freeze time and put my new life on hold. Just for now. I don’t want to learn how to grieve, how to feel anguish, how to function whilst carrying the memory of this experience. I’m not strong enough!

But I had just lived through the unthinkable, and survived. I was strong already! She was gone, and I am still here, and my kids need me, just as I had needed my mum. As I gazed at her still face, I silently thanked her for teaching me to love, and promised I would pass on all her life’s lessons to my kids. Now it was time for me to build on all she had given me, so that I could be for my kids what she had been for me. I could feel the weight of the responsibility now in my hands, and I knew I was ready after all.

With a heavy heart and an open mind, I said goodbye, placing a final kiss on her cool forehead. I slowly left the room, reluctant but resolved, to greet the new day.

Shereen’s personal growth blog: Frog Dreaming

May 27th, 2009 - Posted in personal growth, duty of care, grief, love, wisdom | | 3 Comments

Crap mother #2

picture by markleggett

My daughter placed the birthday party invitation in front of me one week prior to the party date. She stood before me, hands clasped, puppy dog eyes. “Do you want to go to N’s party?” I asked her, secretly wishing for a negative response.

“Can I, can I, can I, pleeeaase? It’s a pirate party Mum!” was her enthusiastic response. I turn the logistics of attending an after-school birthday party over in my mind and promise her I’ll work it out. Then promptly lose the invitation paper and thus, forget about the event.

I struggle with school-friend birthday parties. An invitation for one child in the family, by definition, excludes everyone else. How do I explain this to the little ones, who think it is their universal right to attend every birthday party for every friend, however close or distant the relationship may be with our family? I have already been stuck in this situation: assuming we had agreed that we weren’t attending a party, which generated overwhelming last-minute disappointment when the day eventually came, the kids knew everyone else was going and the pressure I felt from all four children to attend a birthday party for which we had not RSVP’d.

I caught the birthday boy’s mother at school and warned her I’d be turning up with everyone in tow and I could see how I had put her on the spot – four extra children with no party favours, too few layers on the pass the parcel and would there be enough birthday cake for everyone? My discomfort at arriving, with four children who felt entitled to eat from the party table, stands to remind me how much I struggle with birthday parties in our large – by today’s standards – family.

I also struggle with buying presents for children whose families I don’t know. How much is appropriate to spend and will it be appreciated amongst all the other presents the child will receive on the day? Our own family has a ‘no presents policy’ for all birthday parties to avoid this situation and to also keep control of my kids’ already overflowing toy cupboard. It’s not that we don’t appreciate the gift. It’s just that our family already has such abundance materially that what we really value is an opportunity to connect with family and friends. Anyway, maybe that’s a topic for another day…

One week later, minutes before we are due to leave for school in the morning, she finds the party invitation and puts it in front of me again.

“It’s today,” she says. “You’re supposed to come in a pirate costume.” Those same clasped hands. Those puppy dog eyes.

“You’re … what?” My heart falls. I have a busy day planned.

She skips off to draw treasure maps and I resent the tedium she has presented me today.

May 26th, 2009 - Posted in childhood, parenthood, play, community, ritual | | 5 Comments

Pocket money

picture by Daniel Y. Go

Pretty much from when our kids could understand shopping, my husband and I have given them pocket money. Not a lot, mind you. Just enough to give them age appropriate experiences spending it.

We decided they should not work for it as helping out at home is an assumed part of living together as a family. There are things that we expect the kids to do and we are really clear about what those things are so we don’t get into battles about it. They’re the sort of things that keep the daily grind well-lubricated; things like cleaning up after themselves when they make a mess, things like helping with dishes and collecting eggs (when the chickens lay, which they currently don’t, what’s going on?) and making their beds in the morning. Miss Three gets some help but it all works out nicely for now.

How much pocket money will give them experiences spending it? It’s kind of arbitrary but we decided that one year of life amounted to one dollar per week. Therefore, every birthday they get an extra dollar per week starting from around three years of age or when they are exposed to money and shopping. Therefore, our nine year old gets nine dollars per week. Everyone seems happy with the amount for now.

It adds up to quite an investment each week with four children between ages nine and three. Still, I reckon we’re going to save ourselves a fortune carrying that through to their teens. Seriously, sixteen dollars/week for a sixteen year old will probably be an economic joke come 2016! Hopefully by that age they’ll each start exploring ways to supplement their incomes.

We do have expectations about what the money will be spent on. We accept that it is bound to be spent on fun and luxury. If they want chocolate or sweets, they buy it themselves. If they want junk food, they buy it themselves. If they want tuckshop at school, they buy it themselves (…usually) and if they want to pour their money into slot machines or buy the latest toy, guess where it comes from? The pay-off is quickly learned. Either I have a small instant pleasure, or I wait for a larger pleasure. The choice is mine!

I try to practise detachment when the children want to spend their money. I’ll ask them once if they’re sure they want to spend it, but if they are confident about it, I let them go. The lesson is in the doing. One time, when my oldest was five, he spent $9.95 - a whole two weeks pocket money - on a remote control truck. It was cheap-looking and bound to last all of five minutes out of the box, but he wanted it hell or high water. So he bought it, did the whole exchange, gave the money to the cashier, received change, everything.

When we got to the car he changed his mind, realised the truck was a bad buy and he still had the receipt in his hand. I assured him we could get the money back if he wanted. Tears brimming his eyes, he decided he did. Who would refuse a five year old after doing the whole cashier experience not five minutes before? He brought a lesson home with the $9.95 in his pocket that I could never have bought - not for all the pocket money in the world.

But we rarely have shopping adventures these days. This gives the kids time to accumulate several weeks worth of pocket money, so that the next time we go to the shops, they realise they can afford something more than chocolate or slot machines. And eventually there is the deliberation over whether it’s worth delaying gratification just a few more weeks to buy something even better! They’ve begun to buy Christmas presents for each other, remembering to save for a few months in advance. Hubby and I have even been shouted to the movies by our kids! Can you imagine that? All that saving blown on a few hours in the cinema! Oh, but they loved doing it! They were empowered!

For further reading on teaching kids about money I recently encountered this comprehensive list of blog articles on Kids and Money. Definitely worth checking out!

May 23rd, 2009 - Posted in childhood, parenthood, consumerism, sustainability, wisdom, money | | 8 Comments

Do happiness

picture by Kam

We all want it. But how do we get it? And once we’ve got it, how do we keep it?

Happiness is a pet topic of mine. I have put a few years of personal research and practice into exploring the nature of happiness. I’ve looked at eastern traditions and western sciences, I’ve experienced the lows of depressions, the (natural and artificial) ecstatic high and the broad continuum in between.

And what I’m learning (for it is never fully learned) is that happiness is not so much a state of being as it is a state of doing.

We can do happiness in an assortment of ways.

We can explore the opposite emotions by watching a cathartic movie and saturating ourselves in the unwanted emotions that we’re experiencing. Often, once we’ve had a good cry, or release of anger, we feel much happier.

Or we can seek direct contact with a happy mood by spending time in activities that automatically lift our spirits. We all have photo albums, music, humour or art that makes us feel good so keep them in an accessible place and let’s surround ourselves with it!

More effective than both of those is staying active! It’s now commonly known that regular exercise keeps those endorphins at higher level creating feelings of wellbeing. When I’m feeling lost or confused or depressed I go and dig in the garden, or take a walk. And there’s nothing that stimulates endorphin release like play. It is our human duty to release our inner-child now and then; climb a tree, ride the swings, dance or kick a ball. It’s all good for our health and well-being.

Maybe our secret to happiness is learning to say NO more often? Give this one some extra thought. We are all deserving of down time, reflection, relaxation and lightness of being. Feeling over-committed is a significant generator of stress hormones and negative emotions.

Another happiness-generator I’ve tried is counting gratitude. Since 2003 I have kept an on-again off-again gratitude journal and the discipline of nominating something to be thankful for every single day was enormously effective at altering my thought and behaviour scripts to become more sustainable and enjoyable. Plus, thinking positive is a skill we get to keep forever!

And while I certainly wouldn’t prescribe botox injections for the clinically depressed. There is now also a growing body of evidence that we can trigger mood change just by using the associated muscles of the face and body. So laughter yoga isn’t such a crazy idea after all!

And remember we need to indulge our creative pleasures, whatever they may be, to feel fulfilled. Keeping a diary, building a garden, painting and drawing, cleaning house (yes, it counts!), preparing delicious meals, taking photographs, reading novels, talking with friends, the list is unlimited.

And here’s the real secret to finding happiness: keep going and never stop doing those things that generate good feelings! If we can find just a little time every day to invest in our own health and wellbeing, a general state of happiness can be maintained. And the pay-off for staying in practice is that we continue to build the skills to recognise and alter our moods at will. We begin to acquire our personal wisdom.

May 22nd, 2009 - Posted in personal growth, gratitude, happiness, beliefs, wisdom, health, self-care | | 0 Comments