Sharing the load

picture by Jasmic

I still stand by the old adage that it takes a village to raise a child.  I have great faith in the power of community living, and still believe it is necessary to put energy into building villages.  Supportive, like-minded people just don’t appear in your life by magic.

So I was intrigued to read Cassie’s article  on her new blog, Together Parenting.  In particular, I loved her reference to a practice that I like to call housework swapping.  This is something I have done and it is definitely a fast-track to more solid and reliable family friendships.

It helps immensely if your mother-community are relatively local and don’t have to travel far to arrive at your door.  It is the locality issue, most of all, that hinders the development of an effortless back and forth of support between families.  Which is why families in remote or regional areas often feel so isolated.  Still, there are ways to connect with like-minded folks, though those ways will be unique to every community.  The Australian Breastfeeding Association does a great job of networking mothers in urban Australia, but country mothers may find their options limited.  Maybe there are community notice boards, or playgroups and mother’s groups in the area?  Maybe there are special interest clubs to join, or maybe it’s a matter of placing an advertisement in the local free press.  However might work, it’s fine to do.  The biggest step is, of course, just doing it.

Once an initial connection is made, it is necessary to break the ice.  Someone must be willing to play host to strangers in the first instance, but think of it this way:  one small investment can pay dividends for years, and if you’re especially lucky, for the rest of your life.  Do yourself a favour and make the first move.  A family BBQ as Cassie suggests might be a great starting point.  Don’t feel your house must be perfect to have guests come.  They’ll be busy families too.  And if they pass judgement on your first impression they’re obviously not ideal candidates for your village.

Regular get-togethers are a good idea, though I don’t believe it needs to be so formal as a regular day of the week, it can help get things off the ground in the early stages. Figure out your common interests and design your activities around them.  Want to get out of the house with the kids?  Fine.  Want to knock a few tasks off your to do list?  Great - but remember to return the favour.  Want to stockpile meals for the freezer?  Why not host a cook-in, plan the menu, pool the ingredients and send everyone home afterwards with a variety of meals they wouldn’t normally have ready-made in the freezer.

No need to bake before the gathering - do it together!  There is no greater bonding exercise than the communal preparation of food.  And the communal clean-up afterwards is more pleasant than being left with a sink full of dirty dishes as your happy house-guests leave your home - none the wiser to the extra stress they’ve caused you.

Housework and garden swapping are two of my favourite past-times.  For some reason, I find washing someone else’s dishes, or vac’ing someone else’s floor much more enjoyable than doing my own.  Or maybe it’s just having the company while doing it.

Here’s how it works:

Alternate hosts so that everyone gets the chance to have their house cleaned.  Plan some activities for the children that require minimal supervision, such as sand-play or water-play in an outside area (bowls of water, cups and whisks and teapots - all those non-toys kids love so much).  Guests can bring some of their own cleaning equipment if the host doesn’t have enough to go around.  Task allocation can be done however the group pleases, but I have found it works best if the host does the more intimate stuff, such as cleaning her own toilets, while the guests do the generic windows, floors and walls.  Over time, the barriers will break down.  I assure you, you’ll all be cleaning out each other’s fridges and pantries and folding each other’s laundry in no time.

Most importantly, don’t force it.  Do what works for the group without expecting too much of the time frame or the relationships.  When it feels right, you’ll know it is right.  Keep communication open among the group and don’t feel bad if some members fall away over time.  The communal thing might excite you and me, but some people simply don’t know how to negotiate giving and receiving.  That’s their loss.  Not yours.

February 23rd, 2010 - Posted in gratitude, parenthood, community, duty of care, friendship, self-care | | 2 Comments

Domestic haiku #23

busy mother

brushes her teeth

and cleans the mirror

February 21st, 2010 - Posted in haiku | | 4 Comments

The power of Thank You

picture by T. A. Joseph

Doesn’t matter whether we personally need to be thanked for things we do, we still appreciate it.   Even if the typical answer is, “no problem” or, “you’re welcome” that tiny acknowledgement has the power to save relationships.  I have learned the hard way.

I used to convene a community group.  The volunteers were all women, new mothers with very young children and babies, often with another on the way.  Of course, that described me too, and I suppose, blinkered by leadership, I thought we were all motivated by the same things.  Our little group was so damned productive, really we did great things together, so I figured we all obtained some kind of satisfaction inherent to the task itself and none of us ever yearned for that pat on the back, that “well done” or “thank you” that lubricates the engines of a small group of people working in synergy.

Inevitably, there lay my downfall and probably the most significant lesson in my life to date.  People thrive on positive words, gratitude and warm feelings.  Our little network of very busy, sleep deprived, yet highly motivated new mothers gave and gave and gave of themselves.  But rarely did I think to acknowledge their contributions and achievements.  Over time we all moved on, most of us feeling quite spent by the experience.  Thanks to Facebook, most of us can keep in touch, but I feel a strange emptiness, that what was, is no more, and I do wish I had taken more time to thank everyone for their hard work and friendship.  It really was a pivotal time in my life.  Hopefully for others too.  It is nice to see the community group still thriving since my own sisterhood stopped having babies and moved onto the next stage of life.  I do miss them sometimes.

Now I’m more proactive about acknowledging the initiative of others, including my husband and children.  I realise it doesn’t matter whether someone is expecting to be thanked or not.  If they are, I can fulfill their expectations.  If they’re not, I can pleasantly surprise them with those little words that cost me nothing, but seem so generous.

And in more general terms, I can use the energy I generate with those thank you’s to cultivate a gratitude mindset that touches every aspect of my life.  For several years I kept a gratitude journal - something that seemed frivolous and self-indulgent when I started it (about the time I was involved with the above community group) but that ever so gradually improved my outlook on life, love and family and gave me access to a mental state, a flow, that was so healthy and life-affirming.

I want to write more on gratitude later.  But for now I just want to put out there a big THANK YOU to those women (and their families)  whom I probably never fully thanked for their contribution to the community group way back when.  And THANK YOU to those of you who read this blog, even if you don’t offer comment.  I hope there is something here for you.

February 14th, 2010 - Posted in personal growth, gratitude, happiness, ritual, beliefs, wisdom | | 4 Comments

On edge

picture by  darkmatter

This post was partly inspired by an entry on Ali Clifford’s photographic blog Twenty-Ten when she featured a candid portrait of her mother.  I was moved by the image and by the title: she brought me here.  If only my feelings for my mother were so pure and so simple.

My mother has come to stay.  She arrived yesterday and will be with us for three weeks while the hubby is away on a business trip.  I love her dearly, but there is … history … and much that goes unspoken between us.  I have tried to discuss said history with my mother.  Many times.  But she cannot bear the confrontation.  Either she shuts down, or she blows up.  And neither situation is easy to endure.  Especially for three weeks under one roof.

So here we are on day one and already I need an outlet for my frustration.  How can one person push so many of my buttons at once?  I’ve done a lot of work, a lot of healing, over the past six or seven years and I truly thought I was at peace with the past.  I truly thought I had let go of Mum and all her petty stuff.  I had evolved enough to have her come and stay for longer than we’ve spent together since I was a teenager coming home for uni holidays.  I truly thought I was now above it all.  And as far as she is aware, I am.

Oh, but what would I give for her to be different to who she is!  What if she was relaxed and open and able to talk about anything with me?  What if she could rationalise her experiences and trust her memories and express her love freely?  What if she could be free from pain and relieved of the weight of her anxiety and depression?  What would she be like then?

But it is futile to wish her different.  She is who she is.  Our relationship is what it is.  The only aspect of this situation I control is my own.  So I will try, very hard, to have a pleasant three weeks with my mother, to give her happy memories with her grandchildren, to avoid any conflict or unpleasantness that may arise, to keep building the precarious bridge between her world and mine.

But it won’t take much to push me over the edge.

February 10th, 2010 - Posted in personal growth, nostalgia, grandparents, grief, love, self-care | | 3 Comments

Out of the mouths of babes #6

picture by jimmiehomeschoolmom

There is always some resistance but we have a Saturday morning clean-up ritual with the children.

This involves a bed making, floor-clearing, putting-away-fest that ends with an ‘inspection’ (all in fun - not exactly the white glove treatment) and a rating out of ten.   Before the TV goes on, or any activities start for the day, we get it done and I think the routine is starting to pay big dividends, reducing the amount of clean up work I have to do in any given week.

This Saturday was no different and the kids got down to business without complaint.  Except for Miss Four, who has spent the past few days in her new ballet uniform, twirling and jumping and demanding everyone’s rapt attention, or else!

Her resistance to helping out on a Saturday morning, or for that matter, shirking the dishwasher duties her three sibs attend to every day, has probably evolved from her being the youngest, and therefore, most indulged child in the family.

We say, “You’re four years old now, and you have learned from watching everyone else.  Now it’s time to start helping out.”  But we are met with silent resistance.  And her stamina in the resistance department is only exceeded by her stamina in the screaming department - though we anticipate she’ll grow out of that one soon.

This morning, before the clean-up commenced, Miss Four put on a dance performance.  “Dad,” she said, “I want to dance to some classical music.”  We weren’t aware she knew what classical music was but at least we had something to appease her majesty.  In the end, Miss Four put on a great show, dressed in a pink leotard and tutu.  Ballet becomes her.  And her big sister too.  Heaven help us.

And so it was, just one hour later when Saturday clean-up was well underway and everyone was coaxing Miss Four to do her very best and help get things tidy, that our little primadonna declared,

“But Daddy, you know that I just don’t do work.”

February 6th, 2010 - Posted in gratitude, childhood, parenthood, play, ritual | | 2 Comments