Sync-y Sex

picture by thegrocer*

Yes, I know how stupid the title sounds.  No, it’s not a typo.  It’s meant to be sync-y, not kinky.  Here, let me explain….

It’s probably rather voyeuristic of me, but I recently discovered a network of married men blogging about married/monogamous sex (or the lack thereof).   I am always amazed, and a little bit appalled, by the male point of view on sex; about the necessary frequency and variety of it, and about their desperation during the droughts in between.

Sexuality is a major aspect of being human.  It would be remiss of me to blog about humanist personal growth and never talk about sex.  I’m just waiting for the day the principal of my kids’ school discovers this blog and reads this entry - it’s bound to happen.  But hey, we’re all human, and at least it’s not a religious school (’cos y’all will know where I stand on that issue).

I hope my dear hubby will forgive me for blogging on this subject but, like all couples, we’ve had our ups and downs in the intimacy department.  We’ve even sought counselling at times.  He’s a very wise and patient man, my husband, and I’m not going to embarrass him by sharing details of the history of our sexual relationship.  I mean, really, there will never be a marriage that doesn’t encounter periods of mis-matched libido, changing tastes in the sensual, or extended spells of sheer physical and emotional exhaustion.  Hands up if you have kids.  Even if you don’t, most people have a day job to suck all the vitality out of them.

I don’t subscribe to the idea that the frequency with which other couples are doing it has any reflection on the health of my own relationship.  It’s simply not on my radar.  A:  who cares what other people do in the privacy of their bedrooms or living rooms, or cars, or whatever? (… well, maybe I am just a little curious, but please, no pictures!)  And B:  I find the practice of keeping a log on such events a major, MAJOR, turn off.

Surely keeping the physical spark in a monogamous relationship is about empathy?  It’s about understanding where your partner is at; about acknowledging where you’re at yourself; and then addressing the space in between?

Which, for a heterosexual man, to be more direct about it, means keeping track of his woman’s menstrual cycle, and going with the flow of her sexual receptivity during the first two weeks of her cycle, and then easing off and giving her room to breathe for the rest of the month.  Really guys, let go of this twice-a-week or every-second-day attitude and trust that she’ll initiate it if she really wants it.  There is nothing new about this concept.  It is the wisdom of ages.  But for those of whom this is new information, here’s a neat little article that explains it in its simplest terms (so the blokes can understand).

There is, of course, a biological purpose to the fluctuating desire woman experience during their menstrual cycle, which is, of course, to guarantee the survival of the human race, which does, of course, require … you guessed it - sexual intercourse.  Husbands and partners can choose to work with the menstrual cycle, or be foolish, and probably damned frustrated, to work against it.

My dear husband has gone the technological route and downloaded an app for his Blackberry that keeps track of my menstrual cycle and guides him in demonstrating his love and desire for me.  At first, I was leery, even offended, that some slip of a software program could possibly enhance our love life.  But since I don’t chart my cycles on a calendar, and since I don’t have any visible code that communicates where my cycle is at, what choice did the poor man have?  Now I see the value in this slip of a software program telling him where I’m at, physically and emotionally, and I blush to share that we’re in better sync than we’ve ever been.

March 25th, 2010 - Posted in happiness, partnership, play, beliefs, love, wisdom, health, self-care | | 4 Comments

Domestic haiku #24