Sharing the load
picture by Jasmic
I still stand by the old adage that it takes a village to raise a child. I have great faith in the power of community living, and still believe it is necessary to put energy into building villages. Supportive, like-minded people just don’t appear in your life by magic.
So I was intrigued to read Cassie’s article on her new blog, Together Parenting. In particular, I loved her reference to a practice that I like to call housework swapping. This is something I have done and it is definitely a fast-track to more solid and reliable family friendships.
It helps immensely if your mother-community are relatively local and don’t have to travel far to arrive at your door. It is the locality issue, most of all, that hinders the development of an effortless back and forth of support between families. Which is why families in remote or regional areas often feel so isolated. Still, there are ways to connect with like-minded folks, though those ways will be unique to every community. The Australian Breastfeeding Association does a great job of networking mothers in urban Australia, but country mothers may find their options limited. Maybe there are community notice boards, or playgroups and mother’s groups in the area? Maybe there are special interest clubs to join, or maybe it’s a matter of placing an advertisement in the local free press. However might work, it’s fine to do. The biggest step is, of course, just doing it.
Once an initial connection is made, it is necessary to break the ice. Someone must be willing to play host to strangers in the first instance, but think of it this way: one small investment can pay dividends for years, and if you’re especially lucky, for the rest of your life. Do yourself a favour and make the first move. A family BBQ as Cassie suggests might be a great starting point. Don’t feel your house must be perfect to have guests come. They’ll be busy families too. And if they pass judgement on your first impression they’re obviously not ideal candidates for your village.
Regular get-togethers are a good idea, though I don’t believe it needs to be so formal as a regular day of the week, it can help get things off the ground in the early stages. Figure out your common interests and design your activities around them. Want to get out of the house with the kids? Fine. Want to knock a few tasks off your to do list? Great - but remember to return the favour. Want to stockpile meals for the freezer? Why not host a cook-in, plan the menu, pool the ingredients and send everyone home afterwards with a variety of meals they wouldn’t normally have ready-made in the freezer.
No need to bake before the gathering - do it together! There is no greater bonding exercise than the communal preparation of food. And the communal clean-up afterwards is more pleasant than being left with a sink full of dirty dishes as your happy house-guests leave your home - none the wiser to the extra stress they’ve caused you.
Housework and garden swapping are two of my favourite past-times. For some reason, I find washing someone else’s dishes, or vac’ing someone else’s floor much more enjoyable than doing my own. Or maybe it’s just having the company while doing it.
Here’s how it works:
Alternate hosts so that everyone gets the chance to have their house cleaned. Plan some activities for the children that require minimal supervision, such as sand-play or water-play in an outside area (bowls of water, cups and whisks and teapots - all those non-toys kids love so much). Guests can bring some of their own cleaning equipment if the host doesn’t have enough to go around. Task allocation can be done however the group pleases, but I have found it works best if the host does the more intimate stuff, such as cleaning her own toilets, while the guests do the generic windows, floors and walls. Over time, the barriers will break down. I assure you, you’ll all be cleaning out each other’s fridges and pantries and folding each other’s laundry in no time.
Most importantly, don’t force it. Do what works for the group without expecting too much of the time frame or the relationships. When it feels right, you’ll know it is right. Keep communication open among the group and don’t feel bad if some members fall away over time. The communal thing might excite you and me, but some people simply don’t know how to negotiate giving and receiving. That’s their loss. Not yours.
February 23rd, 2010 - Posted in gratitude, parenthood, community, duty of care, friendship, self-care | |
2 Responses to ' Sharing the load '
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on February 23rd, 2010 at 4:33 pm
This is such a great idea.. but like most north americans I want it to be NOW. I want this beautiful community here NOW. Building it is the hard part. Really hard part.
We moved last year and I’ve met loads of nice people but most of them work. Not many stay at home moms around here. And the ones that are.. many seem to have money. They hire cleaners and nannies.
Excuses, excuses I know.. I guess it is a wonderful idea to strive for.
on February 24th, 2010 at 1:42 am
You’re over the hardest part then Deb. Bring on year two - your village awaits!