Shadow artist
picture by anandham
I’m definitely one. Are you?
I’m back to doing the Artist’s Way again. This time with a bunch of online buddies I have known for some time through the Intuitive Parenting forum. The first chapter urges you to trawl through your past and process past hurts with regards to your creativity. I put up some resistance to this process last time, but this time I’m feeling more ready to express all those petty hurts. It feels good to get it out.
How weird that I have supported so many others on their creative journeys and in the process, delayed my own creative ‘awakening’.
We have many musical and artistic friends, and we’ve collaborated on creative projects in numerous ways, and yet I only indulged myself some formal music lessons for the first time last year. And I’m loving it!
Giving up art classes and drawing in highschool to focus on more academic things was a way of appeasing my dad’s interest in us being employable when we left school. Which I can appreciate (and goodness knows, the touch typing class definitely gave me skills I still use) because now I’m in a position to do it again, but geez, I don’t know why I’ve been denying myself that pleasure all these years! I did at least allow myself the pottery hobby years ago, but it really wasn’t practical with a small family. Must get back into that, too.
And there have been times when I’ve caught myself reacting against someone else’s success, just like it was described in the first chapter of TAW, and having an ‘aha’ moment about all the time I’ve wasted not-practising the things I loved to do and was good at, because my friends and acquaintances were already doing it, and better than I ever could be (ie. more practised at it by the time I realised it was my thing too).
Even becoming a teacher, was a way of staying in the shadows (which I suspect is the case for many teachers).
I’ve spent so much time in noisy clubs, lugging sound gear and coiling leads and packing cars for friends, more time assisting in recording sessions and bouncing ideas around, more time reading about than doing, more time enabling someone else to achieve their goals than pursuing my own. Even my husband’s successful career is an extension of my shadow.
Not that I see all that as a bad thing, but I can definitely now perceive it all as a delaying tactic, because I’m afraid to fail at something, rather than try my hardest. Well, I’m not that scared of trying anymore.
March 4th, 2010 - Posted in personal growth, childhood, play, wisdom, self-care | |
10 Responses to ' Shadow artist '
Leave a reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
on March 4th, 2010 at 10:17 pm
Yay! Go Jodie. Now I HAVE to keep reading your blog, so I can find out what you’re going to do on your own journey of creativity.
on March 5th, 2010 at 8:57 am
This really resonates with me Jodie…. there have been times when I feel that it’s not “worth it” to pursue my writing or photography. But if it brings me joy of course it’s worth it - regardless of how much more experienced others are.
on March 5th, 2010 at 11:11 am
I’m so glad there was something in that for you both. Let’s each make a date with ourselves to pursue an old hobby.
on March 5th, 2010 at 7:42 pm
Ooh Jodie … Thank you for sharing. I have just looked up the Artist’s Way website. Think it looks like just the thing I need … I need creativity to thrive both at home and at work. Sometimes I forget how to ‘be’ creative … Thank you for sharing your experiences …
on March 6th, 2010 at 10:10 am
Andy, I think I am learning that you can’t ‘be’ creative. You can only ‘do’.
I’m off on an artist date this weekend with my writing friends. I feel *extremely* guilty leaving my family this weekend, especially with this being the first weekend since dear hubby got back from his work trip. I’m giving myself every excuse not to go, but my friends will be here to collect me in 30 minutes so ….
on March 6th, 2010 at 12:05 pm
You gotta do it … Am sure your hubby will understand
…
on March 13th, 2010 at 4:11 pm
I went, and he did.
on March 13th, 2010 at 9:55 pm
I’ve read and re-read this post so many times and gone away with a different insight every time.
It has really made me think quite deeply about a few things, which is has been such a wonderful and needed thing.
Thankyou
on March 14th, 2010 at 8:43 am
Thank YOU for reading Charlie and welcome.
on May 8th, 2010 at 3:33 pm
[…] My creative energy is low, I realise, because it has been heavy-going the past month, physically, mentally and emotionally. It wasn’t just a month of personal travel and birthday parties (they were the highlights). It was also having a husband in bed for two weeks for a ligament in his back, my BIL away with family, so no extra help with the yard, uni assessment, taxi-ing the kids to sports, dance and other commitments, and somewhere in amongst all that, showing them some love because they aren’t seeing as much of their dad and me as they’re used to. The whole of the labour day long weekend we had our band friends recording in our garage. Fun, but demanding, and definitely not something I can contribute to in a satisfying way. So I suppose I’ve let myself fall back to being a shadow artist, enabling others but holding myself back. I don’t know how to stop doing it. […]